JWE
FRIEND
Bob Newhart
- Thread starter JWE
- Start date
Paul Heinrich
PARTNER
Illinois & Wisconsin
Oops!!! I’m wrong again. At least I’m consistent.
Deepest apologies and best wishes to Mr. Newhart.
Deepest apologies and best wishes to Mr. Newhart.
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teenahlake
Registered User
Sop It, or i'll bury you alive in a box!
LisaWi
Registered User
Between Lake of the Woods and Lake Huron
I saw the thread title and I assumed-- because this is an airplane forum-- that it was about one of my favorite Bob Newhart skits.
I'm certain that I used to work for the "The Grace L. Ferguson Airline (And Storm Door Co.)--" they had merely changed their corporate name before I started...
For those who'd prefer to listen... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR5auN1QSp0 9:31 "The Grace L. Ferguson Airline (And Storm Door Co.)"
I was watching television and it was a John Wayne war movie, I guess they are all John Wayne war movies. Did you ever think how close we came to losing the war, if he hadn't been with us ? But, uh... I don't want to tell you the plot of the thing because I hate people who do that, but we win it.
See, now my problem is that I want to start talking about airplanes right now and there is no logical way to get out of what I was talking about and talk about airplanes. And you should always tie things in together.
So, I will try this... in the war movies they always have that one shot of the dog fight with the airplanes. Speaking of airplanes...
I recently flew out from Chicago and I uh... I don't enjoy flying at all. I'm one of those ones first of all who gets unstoned, you know, right away. Secondly, I usually sit in the lounge and I whimper all through the flight. And I look out the window and I turn to the guy sitting next to me and I'll say, this flying is really amazing, and I'll say the people, they look like ants down there and he'll say those are ants you idiot, we haven't taken off yet, you know.
But anyway, there is a logical explanation for why I don't fly. I took a non-scheduled airline one time. I was in the army and I wanted to go to Hawaii on a three day pass, see... I... but I didn't have a lot of money and they were running ads at the time, uh... and one ad read, take a chance on the Mrs. Grace L. Ferguson Airline and Storm Door Co., see... so... they gave an address and I went out to this address and it was this woman's home and she had a little counter set up in her living room and... uh... we had to go up to the john to weigh our baggage, I remember, and then we all got into her Volkswagen and she drove us out to the airport.
We got aboard this DC-1, after we are out about two hours, the captain came out. He gave one of those addresses they all give and I'll never forget it, and this is why I don't fly anymore, he came out like this...
You're the navigator !!! You ought to be able to figure out where the hell we are. Uh... good evening, I'd like to welcome you aboard the Mrs. Grace L. Ferguson Airline and Storm Door Co. Uh... I don't know how much you know about our airlines, we've only been in business about a week. Uh... our airline was founded on the philosophy that what the American public was really looking for was a low cost overseas transportation. We have attempted to eliminate what we call in the airline business frills and extras like uh... maintenance, and... uh... radar, and a whole bunch of uh... uh... technical instruments up in the uh...
Have you ever had one that hangs on for about four or five days ? I don't mind the headaches too much, but it's that damn double vision that just... Oh, incidentally, I want to apologize for your having to stand all the way... uh... if I can give you a little tip there every oh, half hour or so, you want to alternate your arms through those straps above your head.
Uh... you folks flying tourist, you don't have any straps... so, don't bother looking for them. Well, uh... we are going to have a little drill in a few moments by our two stewardesses, Trixie and Bubbles, oh... I'm sorry, Miss Swanson and Miss Savage, and they'll show you how to put your life jackets on uh... there really isn't that much to it, but a lot of people get them on backwards and well, that way you are going to wind up with your face in the water.
If we should have to ditch, you'll receive plenty of warning... uh... because our co-pilot becomes hysterical... and he'll start running up and down the isles... uh... yelling, uh... you know... we're going to crash or something like that. Uh... actually, he gets kind of panicky and it isn't always too easy to understand him... uh... at least it hasn't been in the past. Anyway... so... if you see him run up and down the isles, and you can't make out what he's saying, uh... you might slip into your life jackets to be on the safe side.
Oh... I'd like to answer some questions if you may have about the airline. The woman right here. Ma'am, if I may, I'll repeat the question so everyone can hear it... If we should ditch, how long would the plane remain afloat ? Is that... was that your question, ma'am ? Uh... golly that's awful hard to say, ma'am. Uh... some of them go down like a rock, you know... and then... I don't know... for some reason or other, others will stay up for oh... two or three minutes, it uh... it's sort of funny.
I'll get your question next. I want to get the gentleman's way in the back there. Sir, could you kind of speak up a little bit, I can't hear you over the roar of our engines. You know, if you just... oh wait... they've stopped now, sir. Harry, the engines went out again. It's uh... the third button on the left, I think, Harry. Hold it Harry... the cabin lights are going out, uh... try the third button on the right. That's got 'em. That's got 'em.
You want to try that question again, sir ? Sir, I'm sorry, I still can't make out what you are saying. Oh... well sure... alright... Alright, you can try it that way, it may work. First word... sounds like running... sounds like racing... track and field... ran ... oh... it sounds like ran... uh... man... a lot of man... a whole bunch of men... Oh ! men... it's right behind you there, sir. I'm glad I took your question ahead of this gentleman's over here.
Uh... I really have to get back in the cabin now, we have it on automatic pilot, but, well the damn thing keeps kicking in and out all the time and... uh... we never really know if it's on or not. Oh, one of the reasons I came out here, I nearly forgot, uh... have any of you ever, ever been to Hawaii before ? This gentleman right here ? It's kind of liver shaped, isn't it, sir ? Sir, as we're coming in... uh... would you mind very much stopping by the cabin and... and... pointing it out to us ? We'd surely appreciate it.
Thank you very much. I hope you have a very pleasant trip.
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