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Thread: (Pilot to pilot) one-liners

  1. #1
    this would be a title NimpoCub's Avatar
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    (Pilot to pilot) one-liners

    These have been crafted &/or stolen from other forums in a previous life.
    If one of your one-liners was stolen/used, it was the big compliment.
    Grab a beer, there's 170 of 'em.


    User Error: Replace user and press any key to continue
    Vegetables are what food eats
    1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
    $1000 reward (check) . . . for my lost $500 (cash)
    ...What'sthisbigkeyatthebottomfor?
    Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who is too ethical to become a minister
    186,000 miles/sec. 'eh? ... So what's the speed of dark?
    2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
    A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
    3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
    99% of Lawyers give the rest of 'em a bad name.
    A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
    A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
    A nice try *beats* a good intention.
    A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
    Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
    Al's Radiator Shoppe... The best place in town to take a leak!
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    An Atheist has no invisible means of support.
    And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
    Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    Are birth control pills deductible? ...Only if they don't work.
    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
    Be alert... the world *needs* more lerts.
    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
    Best to be quiet & *thought* a fool, than to speak & remove all doubt.
    Bet you can't stop reading here >>| ...I knew it.
    Bumper sticker: Horn broken. Watch for finger.
    Carpenter's rule: cut to fit, then beat into place.
    Catastrophe: Award for the cat with the best buns.
    Chaos - panic - disorder ... my work here is done.
    Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
    Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
    Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
    Criticism is inversely proportional to understanding.
    Death: Life's way of saying "You can let go of your ankles now".
    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
    Diplomacy is letting someone else have YOUR way.
    Does it take you two hours to watch "60 Minutes"?
    Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
    Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
    EXPERT: One who has made all the mistakes, and *remembers* them.
    Feet smell? Nose run? You were built upside down.
    Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
    Foreploy: Any misrepresentation for the purpose of obtaining sex
    Forget about World Peace ...visualize using your turn signal!
    Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    God assigns relatives ...but luckily, lets us pick friends.
    Golf scores are directly proportional to # of witnesses.
    Good Things come to those who wait, but crap you get right away!
    Have you donated your brain to science before you were finished with it?
    Help wanted: Short person for mud flap. Must supply own rain gear.
    Hey You! Out of the gene pool!
    Hmmm, what if there were no hypothetical questions?
    Honesty is good policy, but bad for your career.
    Honk at me if you like obscene gestures!
    How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
    I *almost* trained my dog to not eat, but he died.
    I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.
    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
    I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
    I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made!
    I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
    I haven't spoken to my wife for 2 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
    I hear your wheel turning, but I'm afraid the hamster is dead.
    I hope you can walk on water, 'cuz your ice is getting pretty thin.
    I like feminists - I think they're cute.
    I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
    I think I've forgotten this before.
    I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    I WILL stop procrastinating ...someday
    If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
    If rabbit feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
    If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!
    If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
    If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
    If your conscience is clear, you have a bad memory.
    Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a butthole.
    I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: no pain, no pain.
    I'm NOT useless... I make an excellent bad example.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
    IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    It's hard to fly with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    It's OK to BELIEVE in miracles, just don't RELY on them.
    It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.
    It's sometimes hard to be truthful *AND* considerate.
    I've got to be me -- everyone else was already taken.
    Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a dingbat!
    Juggler: ...a schizophrenic playing catch with himself
    Keep 'your comments sweet, you may have to eat them.
    Maybe your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
    Mom said carrots are good for my eyes, but it hurts when I insert 'em.
    My karma ran over your dogma.
    My kids don't like 2nd hand smoke ...I don't like 2nd hand hard rock.
    My nicotine patch works really well, but it's kinda hard to keep it lit.
    My wife ran off with the gardener ...and I miss him.
    No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
    Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
    One good turn gets most of the blankets.
    People who think they're perfect are very annoying to we who really are.
    Perhaps you don't HAVE ulcers, but you're an infectious carrier.
    Politicians and diapers need changing often for similar reasons.
    Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
    Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
    Short income tax form: 1: Total Income $______ 2: Send it in.
    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    So many cats, So few recipes.
    So, you have kleptomania... take something for it!
    Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
    Some people will believe anything... if you whisper it.
    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
    Sometimes I worry about you (the rest of the time I panic)
    Statistics, like bikinis, conceal more of interest than they reveal.
    Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
    Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
    Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
    Thank you for calling 911... If reporting a murder, press 1... If rep
    The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
    The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
    This isn't burger king; you can't have it your way.
    This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me!
    Three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.
    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
    Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
    We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
    What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
    What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
    What!! No bugs? Must be time to upgrade again.
    Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
    What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? ...To hold cows together!
    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
    Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? ...Ask your mom.
    Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? Lawn Boy.
    Who do you call for whale circumcisions? ...4skin divers.
    Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
    Why is the guy who invests all your money called a "broker"?
    You always find something in the *last* place you look.
    You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.
    You sound reasonable... it must be time to up my medication.
    Your message has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
    ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
    Going bra-less *MAY* pull the wrinkles out of your face.
    Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
    Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    My wife complains I never listen to her. (or something like that)
    Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
    God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
    So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute.
    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
    In America, Anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
    My spouse is a travel agent for guilt trips.
    The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
    Home is where you hang your @.
    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
    Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
    Nimpo Lake Logan... boonie SuperCubber
    200mi (300km) from nearest stoplight... just right! - "Que hesitatus fornicatus est"

  2. #2
    Snert's Avatar
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    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those that don't.

  3. #3
    moneyburner's Avatar
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    "Give me apathy or . . . whatever"
    Quidquid Latine dictum sit, altum videtur

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