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Thread: Tower talk

  1. #1
    StewartB
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    Tower talk

    Worth reading...

    (Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers)

    ************************************************** **********************
    *****************
    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
    make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
    hits a 727?"
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm fucking bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war, old sport!"
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
    ************************************************** **********************
    **
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
    ************************************************** **********************
    **

  2. #2

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    The grass strip I fly off of is about 1/2 mile north of a class D airport. Lately when I radio in for landing at my grass strip the tower operator says, "Cleared to land at newberry's AT YOUR OWN RISK" Obviously my landing prowess has become common knowledge. I usually reply with "cleared to land at my own risk" Its kinda funny for some reason.

  3. #3
    Jon B.'s Avatar
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    On Thursday, as I passed Fond Du Lac enroute to New Holstein, the (temporary) tower guy asked where I was headed. I told him I was bound for New Holstein, to hang out with the Super Cub gang.

    "Will they let you in there flying a Champ?" he asked. I assured him that the bunch there would allow me in, or if not, he'd be hearing from me in an hour.

    Jon B.

  4. #4
    Lawn Dart's Avatar
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    While I was a student, an instructor and I where just out buzzing around when a fellow keyed up and announced that he was inbound for three-seven. After the third pattern call, the instructor grabbed the mic and said ?On my planet, there?s only 360 degrees in a circle, how long will you be visiting??
    There was no reply.

    This is an old joke but I actually heard it when flying into a controlled field.
    The controller was talking really fast and the ?good ol? boy? pilot just wasn?t copying (hell, neither was I).
    After a couple of say agains? the controller blasted him and asked if he was a pilot or not?
    A short pause and then the pilot asked ?Son, am I up here because you?re down there or are you down there because I?m up here??
    Another short pause and a new controller came on with clear instructions.

    I was heading into an uncontrolled field at night (unicom was closed) so I called the neighboring controlled field just to get the altimeter.
    Me: George AFB, Cessna six two go-cart. (C-150)
    George: Six two gulf, good evening sir, George altimeter is two-niner-eight-four, would you like flight following tonight sir?
    Me: Negative. (That was an unexpected response for the controller).
    Pause
    Pause
    George: Umm, was that a negative on the flight following sir?
    Me: That?s affirmative on the flight following.
    LONG pause
    George: Sir was that a negative on the flight following?
    Me: Regarding the flight following, that?s affirmative.
    By now I?m laughing so hard that I can?t key up to tell him whats going on. After a short break I key up and tell him that I?m inbound for Apple Valley and just wanted the altimeter.
    When he keyed up he didn?t say anything but you could hear the whole room laughing.

    Last one.
    I was a student doing my solo 3 full stops at a controlled field.
    On my last takeoff I told the tower that I would be departing to the west and promptly turned to the east (my intended direction) and headed for home.
    An inbound aircraft was making his calls and the controller told him to watch out for the student that was heading towards the other west! "Ya I heard the calls and I got my eyes on him".
    I still didn?t get it.
    He then told me to switch to Edwards AFB and gave me the freq.
    I wrote down the freq and said thank you. I then announced my position and told Edwards that I was with them.
    The same controller came on and told me that I would need to SWITCH my freq BEFORE I contact them!
    Now I feel like a real ass, I knew I forgot to do something.
    Before he signed off he asked me squawk 0001 and DO NOT ident.
    I switched freqs and contacted Edwards AFB.
    Edwards acknowledged my call and asked if I was aware that I was squawking 0001?
    ?Roger that and Fox asked me to squawk that code?.
    With a chuckle in his voice, the controller told me that there was no traffic in my area and I was cleared direct to George AFB.
    I was getting really close to George AFB before Edwards handed me off.
    This time I switched the radio BEFORE I contacted George.
    George asked me to squawk a new code and diverted me to the south. That was really unusual for them to do but after a few miles, they called and said that the F-4s had made positive ID and was cleared to turn to the east and continue to Apple Valley. F-4s???

    When I got home, I was telling a couple of instructors about my adventure when one of the instructors (an air force instructor) started laughing his ass off and said that 0001 was the code for the ICBM.

    Turns out that Fox thought they would have some fun and send a 90kt ICBM direct to the center of George AFB and Edwards played along.

    The instructor said that he had received a page that they ?scrambled the whole base? but figured it was just another drill.

    Sometimes we just gotta laugh at ourselves

  5. #5

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    Strangest one I ever heard was 10-15 years ago.
    Was working at Pearland (LVJ) ane listening to unicom.
    "Pearland traffic this is Nxxxx(don't remember) EMERGENCY TAKEOFF - I'm low on fuel!"

    Fuel pumps are on the field, by the way

    Twenty minutes later, same unicom frequency.
    "West Houston (IWS) traffic Nxxxx, 5 mile straight in, EMERGENCY LANDING - I'm low on fuel!"

    Still laugh at "Emergency Takeoff - I'm low on fuel"

    Roddy

  6. #6
    Scooter7779h's Avatar
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    I was flying low-level aerial photography at 3,000' inside the Chigago Ohare Class B, and it was hectic with all of the heavy jet traffic, let alone me wanting to fly gridlines through the whole mess in a Navajo. Some VFR pilot in a Skyhawk called trying to getinto Meigs field from the South. After blowing a couple of vectors, and changing altitude when not directed to:

    ATC: Cesnna XXXXU do you have a compass?

    Cessna XXXXU: Approach, say again.

    ATC: Cessna XXXXU do you have a compass in your airplane in view?

    Cessna XXXXU: Chicago Approach, yep I found it.

    ATC: Cessna XXXXU turn to put the nose so you can see the E, and get the 4ell out of here.

    And another one:

    A plane called Merrill Tower:

    Merrill Tower this is Mooney 1234Z, inbound for landing, mediumally familar with the area.

    Tower: Mooney 1234Z, hold where ever you are until well done.
    =========
    PA-12 fan

  7. #7

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    Last weekend I overheard this exchange between the tower and a student pilot after his landing:

    Tower: Cessna XXXXX, turn left on taxiway when able.

    Cessna XXXXXX: Roger

    Pause

    Cessna: Tower, this is Cessna XXXXX, where is taxiway "when able"?

  8. #8
    RaisedByWolves's Avatar
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    yesterday i was doing touch and goes and there was about 15 people in the pattern and the tower decides to tell everyone to land, no touch and goes and when he told me he was steped on and i asked was that for 34lv and i got no replay so i figured sense he cleared me to do a T+G and then changed it i did a T+G and he's like "34lv i guess you dont know how to do full stops do you?"(sarcastally sp?) i was about to say nope i only do T+G's

    after that on downwind he made me do 2 360's to let about 5 more people in

    oh well


    tom ford

  9. #9

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    In the seventies in Frankfurt, a PAN-AM clipper had to ask repeated instructions to Ground. After the third time, a slightly miffed voice from Ground asked: "PAN-AM XXX, you nefer komm to Frankfurt before?"
    A southern drawl slowly shot back the reply: "Son, I did come to Frankfurt a dozen times in '44, but I never landed..."

  10. #10

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    In the early seventies, at Lindberg Field in San Diego, the departure lineup had gotten a bit long with several airliners lined up to go. A Western 727 was number one at the hold short line. Lindberg tower called the Western flight and gave them permission to taxi into position and hold.

    Western didn't respond. So the tower called them again. Still no response. After the third try, some clown in another jet (most likely PSA since they made up most of the rest waiting to go), came up on freq and asked "Hey, how many people does that Winabago sleep, anyway?"

    A couple of seconds later came the anonymous reply, "Three, that we know of."

  11. #11
    Bill Rusk's Avatar
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    Going into Lax many years ago. As usual the pattern is maxed out and approach is giving instructions non-stop and replies are not required or appreciated, kinda like going into Oshkosh. I have no idea who it was but someone accidently keyed the mic, or left it keyed too long, such that their intercockpit conversation was transmitted and the word F#%K came out loud and clear. I suspect it shellshocked everyone on the frequency as it got dead quiet for a few seconds. Then approach opened the door with "Hey who said F#$k on the radio? You can't do that. " Well everyone took their turn with an open door of opportunity...

    Delta 123 Heavy.... we did not say F#@K on the radio
    Northwest 665.....we'd never say F#@K on the radio.
    Southwest 34.... we didn't say F#@k out loud
    Skyway 134.... we didn't say F#@K on the air either
    American Flight 5665....well it wasn't us that said F@#K on the radio

    And so on as 30 plus airplanes all took the oportunity to say they did not say the word F#$K over the radio.
    Was probably one of the more entertaining 2 minutes of my career.

    Bill

  12. #12
    Ruidoso Ron's Avatar
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    Passing through Lubbock /Reese AFB area years ago, I heard the following
    Lubbock Appch: "Cessna 34 Tango, say your heading"
    Cessna 34 Tango: "Uh........Uh, Cessna 34 Tango is heading two seven"
    Lubbock Appch: "Cessna 34 Tango, is that zero two seven degrees, or two seven zero degrees?"
    Cessna 34 Tango: "Uh Cessna 34 Tango, Uh...............it just says two seven!"

  13. #13
    Ruidoso Ron's Avatar
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    I was flying into ADS with a friend of mine one night, and he had intended to make the first turnoff, but rolled a little past it. He called the tower and said he'd missed his turn, and asked if he could do a 360 on the runway (immediately realizing his error). The controller came back a minute later (with laughter in the background)..........."sure! We don't have much traffic tonight; make 3 or 4 of them, if you want to!"

  14. #14

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    tower funnies

    Student pilot flying into minot north dakota------- contacted tower, the tower replied------- broken tranmission say agian-------(no lie)!!!!!!!---------the student said "sir airplanes don't have transmission!"!!!!!!!-Airplane landed and all of the tower guys had to come down to see who the student ways. True Story

  15. #15
    SJ's Avatar
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    The other day I was flying into downtown kansas city airport. Runway 1/19 has been closed for 8 months for construction, but is getting close to reopening.

    I told the controller I would be happy to test out the new runway to make sure it was safe.

    She said, "That would probably not end well for you, or for me"...

    sj
    "Often Mistaken, but Never in Doubt"
    ------------------------------------------

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by steve
    The other day I was flying into downtown kansas city airport. Runway 1/19 has been closed for 8 months for construction, but is getting close to reopening.
    I told the controller I would be happy to test out the new runway to make sure it was safe.
    She said, "That would probably not end well for you, or for me"...

    sj
    Reminds me of a joke I heard about the hillbilly pilot making a position call at the big city airport:"turning final for runway X".

    Eric

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