Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 40 of 63

Thread: Hey Pilot! I gotta' PEE!

  1. #1
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like

    Hey Pilot! I gotta' PEE!

    Long after darkness falls the IO540 in the nose of the "sled" (Cessna 207) barks into life on the 3000' PSP (courrogated steel planking) airstrip of Kivalina.

    It's the mid 1970's and the only way home to OTZ tonight is to follow the shoreline. The icing conditions are ripe, with two miles skies obscured at some (for now) unknown altitude in mist and fog. Fortunately the winds are light. Our intrepid part-time charter pilot/full time F.A.A. Flight Service specialist can taxi down to the other end of the steel planking, turn around and take off towards the lights of the village (pop. 300 or so). In this weather this is a MUCH preferred alternative to taking off away from town; rotating, literally on the guages, into the inky blackness from a no lights runway; and shortly then after having to reverse course 180 degrees on the gauges at some (as yet) still unknown altitude, probably below 500 feet out over the water of the Bering Seas. Makes it hard to stay VFR, ya' know??

    Damn! The weather wasn't supPOSED to get this bad, but hey. It's the Arctic in the 70's. No weather satellites scanning our part of the word. By guess and by golly we live (or not sometimes).

    Fortunately for our central character in this little drama, the load is light. Half tanks of go-juice and only one middle aged nice, friendly Eskimo lady. Which is a blessing; considering many, if not most middle-aged nice Eskimo ladies tip the scales at 300 (+) pounds, as does this one.

    Three hundred galloping ponies whinnie their throaty defiance and tug at the harnesses gaining speed and the Sled defies gravity with the village rushing ever closer.

    Sliding slightly to the right and ascending to clear the the clinics HF radio tower at 75ft. AGL suddenly the world disappears and the lights become a glow rushing at us. A quick check of the altimeter shows 220 feet!! (no, I DIDN'T leave a zero off!!) The thought flashes through the pilot's mind. "Well, now doesn't THIS SUCK!!"

    (to be Cont'd...if you folks are interested)

  2. #2
    SJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Kansas City, USA
    Posts
    14,550
    Post Thanks / Like
    "And now we pause for station identification"...

    Bring us the REST!!!!

    sj
    "Often Mistaken, but Never in Doubt"
    ------------------------------------------

  3. #3
    cubchick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Little Rock
    Posts
    546
    Post Thanks / Like
    On the edge of my seat...

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    SW Pennsylvania
    Posts
    40
    Post Thanks / Like
    You have my attention - Lets hear the rest John

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Miami, FL
    Posts
    133
    Post Thanks / Like
    Ok Cloudandcer,

    Waiting fer the rest down here in the swamps!
    J5/7EC pilot/owner

  6. #6
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Part II coming to you tamale....Tuesday, unless I hafta' go fly. Time for night-night here....and thanx for your interest and replies.

  7. #7
    Bob Breeden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Alaska
    Posts
    772
    Post Thanks / Like
    Go CloudDancer!

    You brought the 207 back to earth safely, so how did you do it???

    Bob Breeden

  8. #8
    Jerry Gaston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Bozeman, Montana
    Posts
    1,388
    Post Thanks / Like
    Just like Turner Classic's the closer to the end the more advertisement there will be.

  9. #9
    Cub Kid's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Nome, AK
    Posts
    386
    Post Thanks / Like
    Cloud Dancer...

    Shouldn't it be IO520 not IO540?

  10. #10
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Part Deux -

    Instantly and cautiously relaxing back pressure our visibility challenged aviator eases the wheel forward a smidge, no more than an inch and is quickly rewarded with the last of the village lights leaping into view and sliding swiftly aft of the left wing. A quick glance down and back just as quickly replaced with the almost immediate inky darkness ahead of the windshield as he turns to analyze the road ahead. The transition to intense focus on the ADI and altimeter is critical, but almost routine by now.

    A decision must be made quickly. While only 63 NM in a straight line to home, a straight line is not an option. The penlight flashlight shows OAT at 32 - 33 degrees and the tops are unknown. Given that the Cessna 207 can't carry enough ice to chill a decent cocktail, and the sole weaponry to fight with is limited to a heated pitot tube. Climbing into know icing without knowing the tops and with the bottoms so low is out of the question.

    It's either turn around now and cafefully or press on following the beach.
    Our hero notes 180 feet on the altimeter and dims the interior lights as low as they can go and still illuminate the instruments trying to get the maximum out of his eyeballs for night vision. A couple of minutes after the old peepers reset for "dark mode" he realizes he can see at least a good mile and a half or two and the foam of the waves breaking on the beach in a straight line ahead of him almost point the way home.

    A quick glance to the left wing tip and he also realizes his red nav light is no longer "glowing" in moisture. Is there room to go up a little bit??

    A small 1/16 of a turn on the elevator trim eases the SkyWagon into a 50 FPM climb. 200....225......250.....28....OOPS! WHERE'D the world go again!! A quick 1/8 of a turn on the elevator trim the other way and now it's down at 50 FPM. AT 270 feet indicateda good mile of breakers comes into view ahead, and the tem,p outside hanging right at 32 even. No ice building. The last sequence from OTZ over the ADF right as I taxied out said nine hundred and two. A-l-l-l-l-RIGHT !! Damn near 300 feet of altitude, a good mile of vis. We're headin' for the barn.

  11. #11
    Jerry Gaston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Bozeman, Montana
    Posts
    1,388
    Post Thanks / Like
    One mile and 300 ft Whats the big deal! This is vfr in most places. Like I said just like Turner Classics the closer to the end of the movie the more ads you'll see.

  12. #12
    cubdrvr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    YKN(mother city of the dakotas)
    Posts
    1,118
    Post Thanks / Like
    It might be in a 207 Jerry.......

  13. #13
    irishfield's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Penetanguishene, Ontario Canada
    Posts
    2,944
    Post Thanks / Like
    All 207's from '69 to '84 had some version of a -520 in them.

    We going to get the rest of this story...or do we have to check in twice daily for a month?

  14. #14
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Part Tres...

    Having made the mental commitment, and feeling relatively comfortable with the decision to press on; Joe charter pilot now settles in for the 35 to 40 minutes of beachcombing that lay ahead. 23 squared set on the RPM and MP, three full twists to the left on the fuel flow and slide the cowl flap handle down to the closed position. There. Should just keep getting easier from here on in...bit by bit. Let's slide back je-e-e-est a little bit from the forward edge of the seat here.

    Practiced hands repeat a drill done a thousand times unconciously. Without a trace of fumbling, the right hand snakes first inside the jacket to the left breast pocket and snags a smoke. Insert between lips. Fishing in the right jacket pocket yields a Fire Chief wooden match. St-e-e-a-dy.... Double check attitude and altitude! Raising the match almost to the end of the unlit cigarette our Sled driver simultaneously tightly squints his eyes shut and scrapes a jagged thumbnail edge across the phosphorous head of the match and is rewarded with the sound of ignition.

    Eyes shut for another second to allow the initial flare up to die down, then open quickly to light the smoke and shake the flame into darkness. The burnt matchstick finds it's way into the sidewall mounted ashtray almost by itself. A good long draw on the cigarette, and at last my "Low Nicotine Warning" light flickers and goes dark.

    For the next ten to fifteen minutes I drift up and down between 350 and 250 feet as the fog permits. The farther I see ahead, the higher I drift upward, until the white foam line of the waves crashing on the beach starts to shorten in length.

    i've been airborne for over 15 minutes now and I know I must start to slow down in preparation for an 80 to 90 degree turn to the left. Cape Krusenstern is off to my left in the distance somewhere and I have but a scant eight to ten miles or so before the beach makes a relatively hard turn to the east and the visibility is starting to worsen again. I find myself struggling to keep two hundred feet on the altimeter and the vis is sinking back down to a mile or so. Hopefully I'll have a good enough view of the lagoon on my left side (inside the beach) so that I can make a gradual sweeping angle across. Sort of like two GRADUAL 45 degree turns instead of one hard 90 degree course change.

    Leaning forward into the windscreen, I am intent on seeing the northwestern border of the huge lagoon so I can cut myself a break. Without any forethought or conscious intent, I have now "butt-crawled" my way to the forward portion of my seat again. My world has gotten VERY small and VERY focused, yet I am still calm as this is S.O.P. at most places I've been.... Then............IT...................happens.

    HEY!! PILOT!!!

  15. #15
    Jerry Gaston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Bozeman, Montana
    Posts
    1,388
    Post Thanks / Like
    Have I mentioned that this is just like Turner Classics....another advertisement.

  16. #16
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hey Jerry - I'm not selling anything here bud. And by the way, exactly WHAt is wrong with Turner Classics??? Oh, the ads. Sorry.

    But, as I said, I am not selling anything...now...nor do I ever intend to. Just seeking an outlet for my limited creativity and I like to write. For about TWENTY MINUTES at a TIME.

    If you find it causes you some level of discomfort, may I recommend a suppository??!!

    CloudDancer

  17. #17
    SJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Kansas City, USA
    Posts
    14,550
    Post Thanks / Like
    Cloudy,

    I love the delivery method... it keeps us checking back...

    Don't quit! I'll provide the advertisements if Jerry really needs them to enjoy it... :P



    sj
    "Often Mistaken, but Never in Doubt"
    ------------------------------------------

  18. #18
    Bob Breeden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Alaska
    Posts
    772
    Post Thanks / Like

    CloudDancer

    Carry on Clouddancer. It is far from over yet. In my way of thinking, any course change/shoreline change to the east could stop the wave breaks, as the waves have been coming in perpendicular to your initial course. The waves have been your only continuous visual reference so far. The air is cold, the sea is cold, it is night, the terrian above the beach is a threat. This is still a challenge.

    Add to that that a 207 isn't a Cub in the sense that you can pull full flaps, slow to 45, flip on the landing lights, and illuminate your way to a safe visual landing on the beach. No Way.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. Speaking for myself, I appreciate your situation that night long ago. I have a hunch many others on this site do as well.

    Bob Breeden

  19. #19
    Jr.CubBuilder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Posts
    206
    Post Thanks / Like
    I like it! Makes me want a cigarette & during the comercials.

  20. #20
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Oh my achin FINgertips. I CAN't be LIEVE what just happened!! I just finished (after 40 minutes Part FOUR and when I hit SUBMIT the damn thing kicked me back to the log in page and disappeared. un FRICKENbelieveable. O-o-o-o-oh I just HATE computers!!

    Well. Hang with me folks. I'm doing it again. i only hope i can remember it the way i wrote it the first time.....(sigh)

    #$@%in'...@#*&in'....goldanged....COMPUTERS!!

  21. #21
    SJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Kansas City, USA
    Posts
    14,550
    Post Thanks / Like
    Cloudy, it is best to type in wordpad or notepad, then cut and paste it into the post. Saves those kind of things happening...

    sj
    "Often Mistaken, but Never in Doubt"
    ------------------------------------------

  22. #22
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hey - Thanx for all the kind responses fellow birdpersons....and now...back to our little drama

    Part Vier - (gotta' wrap this up...I'm about outta' languages to count in...)


    "Hey Pilot. I got to pee" I hear her say from behind me as I bore holes in the darkness ahead of my eyes, willing the lagoon to appear in front of me. It's GOT to be getting close. I should start slowing down now. Back a half inch on the throttle, and I feel us slowing perceptibly. Two slow and gentle 1/2 cranks on the prop knob to the right and the blades take a bigger bite. A quick glance and the A/S is down to 115 KIAS. GOOD! One notch on the flaps now and bingo! we're down to 100 knots. Great. Now I should be able to easily make even a ("Hey...Pilot?!") large course change safely.... and maybe if I just ignor..."PILOT!! I got to PEE!! NOW!!" accompanied by two skewer-like fingernails being jammed into my lower neck in the right rear!

    "GEE-JUZ CHRIST LADY!" I scream as I recoil to the left front only to slam my forehead into the post nav light!! "OUCH! For cryin' out loud can't you wait? We're ONLY 20 to 25 minutes out". (I'm lying, but desperate.) "I've alREADY BEEN waiting ten minutes!" she replies, as to indicate that that should be sufficient explaination. "Okay, okay. Hang on a minute and I'll find a sick sack!" "Well, hurry then" sez she as I think to myself...yeah....yeah...like you really NEEDED that last six pack of Oly before we could leave.....hey...is that the beginning of the lagoon coming into view!!??...I KNOW we have those nice airline-type white moisture proof sick sacks. We just gotta.

    Height...220 feet...A/S...still 100...wings level. Good. I carefully reach under the right side control yoke and slide my fingers under the ridge on the plastic door of the glove compartment. MUST be careful NOT to move the wheel in the slightest and tugging gently....YES....that IS Krusenstern lagoon coming up..and the glove box door pops opens and (naturally) a buncha' stuff cascades out onto the right side floor.

    Okay. Wings still level and a quick glance down to the right and I see one Cessna Skywagon operators manual one book of NOS flip charts one Louis L'Amour paperback with a saloon girl on the cover and one...what the HECK??!!...back out the windown...back down quickly and yes, it IS a Trojan condom...(got to be prePARED for those nights you CAN'T get back to town, I guess.....but no sic-sac. Damn!! "Pilot" Now almost whining in humiliation. "Hang on", I say. I feel almost SORRY for her. I mean...it's not like I haven't been there a couple of times myself.

    Quickly, carefully, and even more desperately now, I reach under the front of the right hand seat, find the seat lock release, pull up and slide the seat as far forward as it goes. My right hand dives deep into the seat pocket on the back side of the right front seat and I fish out a huge wad of stuff and throw it on the seat beside me. I'll need to start a gradual left turn in little more than a minute now.... Damn! half a dozen out of date sectionals and an Alaska Supplement to the Airmans Information Manual.....Once again. Good Ol' Murphy's Law has done jumped up 'n bit me in the ass. Jeez I hate Ol' Murph........"Pilot...PLEASE!!" Almost time to start the turn. "Okay. Just one more second, HANG ON".

    Sighing, shaking my head, and muttering curses I slowly slide both feet off the rudder pedals and backward, sliding my left foot under my right calf as I do so. Lifting my left foot, I slowly and carefully pull my mid-thighhigh rubber wading boot off my foot, and reluctantly pass it over my shoulder.

    Time to ease into the turn as my feet slide forward to the rudders. WOW! That darn left pedal is cold.

  23. #23

    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    37
    Post Thanks / Like
    Great Story! Do we get a preview of the next episode?

  24. #24
    narov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Wichita, KS
    Posts
    125
    Post Thanks / Like
    Great......now I got to pee too!

  25. #25
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Dear New Friend Steve (aka) Friendly Staff Host -

    Surely do appreciate your friendly tips about Notepad or Wordpad or whatever. Unfortunately (mostly for me) however I am basically computer illegitamite. This, despite the fact that I bore holes in the stratosphere every week with tens of thousands of pounds of (comPUter controlled) thrust at my fingertips and a total of 427 onboard computers that even control when the gah-dayum lavs flush if you can believe THAT!

    If'n the poor pax in back had ANY idea how truly CLUEless I am.....they'd pay a hell of a lot more attention to the safety demo.

    Ergo your advice, while well intentioned and appreciated, has fallen on stupid ears. My notepad is in a drawer, I cut with scizzors, and paste with Elmers Glue when not sniffing it. I doubt I could find Wordpad if you gave me a six keystroke and three mouse-click handicap.

    So I will fumble along as I have for the last year and a 1/4 since I got this, my very 1st computer, for my 49th B-day. Besides. it's Lent. A little extra suffering is supposed to be good for the soul.

  26. #26
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    To Irishfield and CubKid -

    My guess is that you are probably right. I seldom if ever get to strap on a Sled, 206 or 185 anymore these days, although my Bro has a 185 so he would know. But I'm thinking you are right and it WOULD be an IO520.

    In later years, having survived multiple (occasionally self-induced) near death experiences in the sled; the nice folks I worked for foolishly entrusted to me their Navajos, Chieftans, 402's and other one engine-will-take-you-directly-to the point-of-impact twins. I'm pretty sure THEY were the ones with 540's (and maybe another letter or two infront of the "IO").

    See you're up in Nome there CubKid. Next time your down at the Board of Trade or the Bering Sea Saloon, knock one back for me. Couple of the finest bars I ever passed out in.

  27. #27

    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    SW Pennsylvania
    Posts
    40
    Post Thanks / Like
    Cloudy The storey was great keep on writing As for notepad ask your kids or neighbor's kids for a few lessons I couldn't use this one if my kids didn't help John

  28. #28
    Jerry Gaston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Bozeman, Montana
    Posts
    1,388
    Post Thanks / Like
    That's it ???

  29. #29

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Miami, FL
    Posts
    133
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hey 'Cloud'... do continue please. I shared the story with a another writer/pilot friend of mine way up in Mi. Don't let anyone get you sidetracked; At the end of story 3 I found I didn't want to finish 'cause I knew the end was coming... even almost put off readiing #4 till this morning but I couldn't wait. Get a friend to put a short cut to 'wordpad' on your desktop so then youl be spring loaded. Waiting for another story-- down here in the swamps.

  30. #30
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Jerry - Jerry - Jerry......Oh ye of little faith. Do you think I'd leave you hanging like that? Never knowing if I made it all the way home or was forced down on the beach. Was the boot large enough? What WAS the final disposition of the Trojan anyway....

    No Jerry. It's just another of my (non)commercial breaks, meant to either irritate or tantilize....depending on your mood.

    I think I should be able to wrap this up today. Will try to have final installment by 6P.M. Eastern.

    As they used to say at the close of the "Beverly Hillibillies"....."ya'll come back now, ya hear!!!"

  31. #31
    SJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Kansas City, USA
    Posts
    14,550
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by CloudDancer
    So I will fumble along as I have for the last year and a 1/4 since I got this, my very 1st computer, for my 49th B-day. Besides. it's Lent. A little extra suffering is supposed to be good for the soul.
    CloudDancer, you are a very funny fellow... hope you keep up the writing!

    As for Wordpad, if you are using Windows:

    Start Menu, Programs, Accessories, Wordpad...

    The edit menu will give you cut and paste options...

    sj
    "Often Mistaken, but Never in Doubt"
    ------------------------------------------

  32. #32
    Jerry Gaston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Bozeman, Montana
    Posts
    1,388
    Post Thanks / Like
    Well hurry up my suppository is starting to expand.

  33. #33
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Had really SNAPPY retort for that "expanding suppository" Jerry.... .....but then I realized that this is a family forum.....so I'll go with......Patience is a VIRTUE!!

  34. #34
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    HOLY XEROX Batman! This WordPad cut 'n paste stuff is GROOVY!! Thanx!! And Thanx to Randy for the kind PM too. And now...for all you taildraggin' weed whackers out there who have been waiting s-o-o-o patiently for the final installment...

    please mail ONE DOLLAR and a stamped self-addressed envelope....Ha Ha!! (LOL) NAW! C'MON . I'd never do something that dirty and play right into Jerry's hands. I wuz jes' a'woofin' ya....Okay where were we.....oh yes


    PART FINAL










    THIS has been a test of the WordPad system. This has ONLY been a test. In the event of an ACTUAL "part final"......

  35. #35
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Part FINAL


    Having made, if not the ultimate sacrifice, at least a memorable one; our 1boot on / 1 boot off with the cold left piggies aviator can now focus on the important task at hand. The time is right, and we must start our gradual turn now. This will be completely an instrument maneuver. The lagoon is in the shape (roughly) of a huge inverted "vee" three miles on two legs forming the "vee" and a little over four miles or so on the upper/inland side. There is a low bluff no higher than 75 to a 100 feet running along the inland portion of the lagoon and we SHOULD stay well clear of that, given there is so little wind, and I've waited 30 to 40 seconds to initiate the turn.

    Lessee here....130 degrees should do it. JUST as I start to roll into a fifteen left bank I begin to sense movement behind me. Well, doesn't matter I'm locked on the clocks. A/S slipping a little and I reach for the flaps. I intend to drop another 10 degress to slow down further so I don't have to swing out so far/so low over the water when I reach the other side. 85 to 90 KIAS will be just fine and we have 220 feet again on the altimeter and the flaps start mo....wha..the...HELL!

    The airplane starts tipping this way then that as my entire payload(ed) begins thrashing about the tiny confines of the cabin. She is standing/turning/squatting half upright trying to....JESUS!!WATCHTHEBANKWATCHTHEGODDAMNBANK!!!!.. ....Grunting, belching, and god only knows what else escapes my now frantic passenger as she is apparently trying to uncover......"Damn! Be CAREFUL!!" I scream, as her rather prominent and now partially bare posterior pushes the right seatback forward. I slap it backward ( the seatback...not her....oh, nevermind) knocking her sprawling over the top of her folded down seat into the third row.

    Now folks. Let's take just a moment here to review a few facts. I'm on the gauges rolling into a (planned) 15 degree left bank hoping to roll out on a 130 degree heading at the same fairly low altitude that I started at while also extending flaps to slow, changing elevator trim, and in the back of my mind wondering why my BIG toe on my left foot is colder than the little toe.....shouldn't the little.....when my passenger....potential relief in hand so to speak ......begins to frantically try to assume ANY position which will allow her to extinguish her "Bladder Overpressure" warning bells, lights and whistles withOUT going all over herself. I fear by now, hitting the boot would simply be lucky. Let us also bear in mind, that this woman (wet or DRY) represents well over 10% of the enTIRE gross weight of this airborne cluster$%#& at this point!!

    Well, between the aftward shift of the C.G. and me trimming "up" for a slower speed as the flaps extended, and leaning down and to the right to slide to front right seat BACKward so she can't do THAT again.......I am HORRIFIED as I look back at the instrument panel to see a twenty-FIVE degree left bank, the DG passing 125 degrees and the altimeter passing 340 with a VSI passing 250FPM on the "going UP" side of the guage. DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!! THIS will NEVER DO!!

    I can now fervently thank the gods that I used to BEG my instrument instructor to give me more and more unusual attitude practice. Couldn't get enough of it. SO much fun.

    Instantly and simultaneously I snap the right wing down to level and push the yoke forward while adding some manifold pressure, thus saving me from having to hear the stall warning horn, as I caught it at about 75KIAS. Phew. Wings level, A/S increasing again, VSI at zero, and only overshot the turn 10 degrees! Unfortunately, these same lightning quick responses had an unintended affect on Miss Kivalina who at the same time was struggling to return to SOME sort of an upright position and commence Operation Drainage. The laws of physics in these maneuvers therefore aided her upward motion, and, already half a bubble off laterally, caused her to become FURther unbalanced so she could now fall backward against MY seat. But I am ready. I've had eNOUGH of this Chinese Fire Drill!!


    Begging ya'll's humble pardon....but I guess it's gonna' take one more installment to finish this story. My fingers are tired, it's almost supper time....and I hate to eat on an empty stomach.

  36. #36
    Bob Breeden's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Alaska
    Posts
    772
    Post Thanks / Like

    CloudDancer

    CloudDancer -

    You and Miss Kavalina are having quite a night!

    Excellent!

    Bob Breeden

  37. #37
    Rick Papp's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Bristolville, Ohio
    Posts
    734
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hey Cloudy, What a great delivery!!! It never ceases to amaze me of the talent present on this site BRAVO!!!! Rick
    Never stay level!!!!!

  38. #38
    gdafoe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Castle Well Airpark SE of Wickenburg AZ
    Posts
    867
    Post Thanks / Like
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, if I could only tell a story half as well as you, sir. I had an experience very reminiscent of yours over the jungles of the Amazon. One very LARGE difference was that my load was more like 20% of the GROSS weight of the 206. Did have a sick sack so my foot didn't get cold............ my sweat sure did though. Seems she sure had a difficult time getting the cargo belt back around her that I'd used for to strap her in.
    Gerald

  39. #39

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like
    I am going to order a lady j adapter tonight.

  40. #40
    CloudDancer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    L. Ronstadt - J. Ingram Duet
    Posts
    1,375
    Post Thanks / Like
    Part FINAL (2) - I PROMISE....no....REALLY....I mean it


    Bracing my left arm against the glareshield I lock it and hold my back rigid so that my flailing human cargo cannot mash ME forward into my control yoke. She finally steadies herself and arrives at some sort of a workable position for I hear her heaving a BIG sigh of relief practically in my right ear followed by one of those long satiflying noisy exhales that routinely accompany the relieving of a major stress.

    Satisfied that I am, at least for a few moments, safe from further assault; I quickly go about setting up a 200 fpm descent rate and swing the nose right ten degrees. Leveling out as the altimeter passes 200 feet, I strain to see ANYthing ahead of me. Am I out of the clouds and fog? A glance at the left nav light confirms that I am but it's blacker than black out there. Oh yeah. I've given up the surf line on the beach and the lagoon is dead calm in this little bit of wind. Nothing to see for a mile or two yet. But....is that a LIGHT ahead? One dim light materializes dead ahead and begines to increase into a brighter glow....Oh! This is GOOD. With almost a mile ahead of me to the light I begin to discern the shape of the large canvas tent which enclose not just one, but probably three or so merrily (and noisily, I'm sure) blazing Coleman lanterns. It is the summer camp of one of the Williams families from Noatak. Located right at the eastern edge if the lagoon on the beach between the lagoon and the sea, I now know exactly where I am and begin another left bank to make my turn down the beach just inside the tent. Sure hope I don't scare old Fred and Mabel too bad, but the kids will love it!!

    AS I am rolling through the turn to line up on the beach heading east I can already see the lights of the next cluster of campsights, which I know to be about three miles closer to town.....HEY!!.....It's getting GOOD out here. Quickly I tune 115.7 to get the 45 after wx broadcast over the VOR. Ea-a-asy money now. OTZ is up to 1000 and three. I crawl up to six hundred feet before the world disappears and then slip back down to 550 where the lights ahead are clear. Meanwhile behind me, my fare lady has at last completed her minstrations. Now, with MUCH less panicked motions, rather carefully in fact, she is in recovery mode. Even as I am relaxed now and actually could SAFELY look around, I resist. I dunno'.....would YOU? There's nothing I NEED to see behind me at this point, so I happily slide my chair back a couple of notches, pick up the junk on the floor and add it to the pile on the right seat and contentedly reach for another smoke.

    Then...from behind...."Ummmm...hey.....pilot??" "Oh fer' cryin' out loud"....as I turn to see what now. My passenger now extends ourward her left hand, in which, with only a thumb and two fingers, she is holding onto the upper end of my (former) rubber boot.
    I say "No Thanks...you keep it." To which she replies....."Well, what am I going to do with it???!!" I answered "I don't really CARE what the hell you DO with it just don't DROP or SPILL it."

    Tuning in 22point8 I call the owner at home where he's watching TV in the living room and ask him to make sure there's a cab at the airport on the hour. After assuring me he will, he nicely asks me would I be interested in going back to Kivalina one more time tonight for cash, as it seems he has a live one that's all ready to go, and would I mind?? (This is ONLY an option instead of an order because 1.) THIS flight will bring me up to 9.0 hrs for the day so far and 2.) He's not real sure the guy has ALL the required cash yet. I politely decline, assuring him that my funmeter has already pegged for the day and I am done. Only slightly disappointed, he "10-4's" me and bids me a goodnite. Good Riddance! I been hearing a barstool calling my buttcheeks for at LEAST an hour now.

    Turn to the ADF needle. Change frequencies and "Hello Kotzebue, Cessna 1747Uniform is SHOE-shal-lik inbound, advisories please.". No other traffic. Destination almost in sight I go blasting out across the water and climb to all of 800 feet for the trip across the nine or ten miles of Kotzebue Sound I must traverse to finally end this ordeal. Sniff. Sniff. Sniffsniffsniff. What the HECK is that PUtrid smell????? WHY is the heel of my left foot (resting on the floorboard) getting......WET!!!! OHMYGOD the smell is getting over WHELMing. JESUS!! I gasp for air and rip open the air vent to stuff my nose in the icy cold flow of FRESH AIR.

    Well, as you probably guessed. Having tired of HOLDING the urinal, my passenger sets it down and then promptly knocks it over whereupon the liquid contents proceed to go wherever gravity and the laws of acceleration and deceleration may push. This, unfortunately for the occupants includes the heat vent, centrally and (usually) conviniently located between the two front seats flush mounted into the floor. Now I AM PISSED OFF!! (and I guess pissed On for that matter as well). I SWEAR I'm gonna KILL her!!

    I hook my semi numb toes over the top of my left rudder pedal as I roll right into a left base. Slowing, dropping flaps....JEEZ this place smells like a BARN. All-in-all a pretty good landing considering the unusual attitude of the pilot during the procedure. I make the first turn off, and as I taxi off the asphalt onto the gravel ramp area of my company's parking area I see the cab come wheeling through our gate.

    I can't WAIT to get outta' this thing and whack the mixture thirty yards out from the tie-down the prop spinning to a stop just as I tap the right brake using the last of the airplane's momentum to align the left wing with it's tie down just as Tommy One-Eye, part-time bootlegger and full time dope dealer/taxi driver comes sliding to a simutaneous gravel-spewing stop at the right wingtip. ( I mean...it's not that One-Eye is not as serious about his bootlegging, but since the bars close at 5AM and open again at 7AM there's just a limited window of daily opportunity for the sale of cheap whiskey at $50/fifth and up.) I know it's Tommy One-Eye because his right headlight, busted somehow years ago, dangles uselessly banging face down against the grill. This, despite the fact that the Chief of Kotzebue's Finest (one of Tommy One-Eye's best CUSTOMERS....off duty...of COURSE) had threatened to give Tommy a ticket a couple of years back if he didn't get the damned light fixed. Tommy jumped outta' the car, raised his right side eye patch to reveal the gristle underneath and hollered "What the hell good you think a headlight on the RIGHT side is gonna DO me??!!" Faced with this unassailable logic, not to mention the possibility of a price increase on rum, our stalwart Chief caved. Tommy One-Eye. Logical, reliable. What more could you want out of a man??

    Well my Kivalina Kutie has managed to get her fat ass outta' my airplane without further damage to herself or the airsheen, thank goodness. I run/limp/jump Festus-like to the shop and grab some towels to mop up the mess. Boy, is my roomate gonna' be mad when he gets HIS plane back tomorrow I'm thinking. As she gets into the cab, Miss Kivalina calls out to me that she's sorry and if I'll meet her at the Pon-du (short for Ponderosa Bar) she'd buy me a drink or two??!!?? Smiling weakly, with a slight negative shake of my head, I thank her but decline.

    As One-Eye throws gravel in reverse I am tiredly replacing the contents of the glove box and seat pocket until all that remains on the right seat is the Trojan condom. I pick it up, and turning it over and over in my hand, I mull over the events of the last hour in my mind.
    What the hell. huh? Flipping it up in the air like a quarter I slap my hand down over it from the top and catch it tighly in my grasp. I think to myself....my luck's just GOT to improve from here...as it slides into my jeans pocket.

    The-e-e-e-e-.....END!!

Similar Threads

  1. Gotta eat breakfast before you fly....
    By HydroCub in forum Cafe Supercub
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-11-2010, 08:56 PM
  2. CD Chronicles 2 Gotta Have Em!
    By Flying Miss Daisy in forum Experimental Cubs
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-21-2008, 10:57 AM

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •