New Joke Thread 3

[NimpoCub]

OH! At the space bar ... took me awhile!

[Patrol Guy]

I just spent last week driving an Amish guy around. Their faith has a period where the teenagers can go out in the modern world for 18 months, called Rumspringa. (that's when we gave airplane rides).

... anyway, Andy is going shopping and buys his first pair of modern jeans, with back pockets. He brings them back and shows his buddy. The buddy asks, "are those Levis?" Andy goes, "no they are mine.

[Jack Sanford]

> I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two
> very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I
> asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
>
> One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
>
> So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales
> from Ireland?"
>
> That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

[BU 1131]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the airport Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken coffee table: $239.99. Hot breakfast: $4.20. Two aspirin: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS!!!

[NimpoCub]

Couple guys working late in the hangar, ready for a drink.
Newfie says I heard that avgas goes down good, after the initial bite of the first sip.
Okie says OK let's try.
Next morning the Newfie calls & says "I have no hangover".
Okie says "me either, but have you farted yet?"
Newfie says nope.
Okie says "Well, DON'T, I'm in Texas"!

[sdelta70]

Went to see a Muslim tribute band night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brillant. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd. I was interested so I asked him "can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started.....

[cubdriver2]

Mrs Browns Dog

http://www.youtube.com/embed/U430rpfjIIQ

Glenn

[Bill Rusk]

Bill

[Bill Rusk]

So I was in Ft. Meyers, Florida the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:

"I Miss Chicago"

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Bill

[Cajun Joe]

the key ...........

[cubdriver2]

Papers not dead

http://vimeo.com/61275290

Glenn

[eaglepilot]

Little Anthony and Rosa are only 10 years old, but they know they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Anthony goes
to Rosa's father to ask him for her hand.


Anthony bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Rosa are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Anthony, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a
moment to think about it, Anthony replies, "In Rosa's room. It's bigger
than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Rosa."

Again, Anthony instantly replies, "Our allowance, Rosa makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should
do us just fine."


Mr. Smith is impressed Anthony has put so much thought into this.


"Well Anthony, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have
one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little
children of your own?"

Anthony just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well,
we've been lucky so far."


Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little kid is adorable.

[eaglepilot]

Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a
beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have
ever poked my pecker into.

[Roger Peterson]

Lady: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Lady: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5 with a tip

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 20 years, I suppose

Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Lady: No Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[Roger Peterson]

You can use a iPad for everything:

http://vimeo.com/61275290

[Iflylower]

Saw this on the Internet ImageUploadedByTapatalk1363361216.185543.jpg

[Snert]

374392_10151494894029679_1704812385_n.jpg. .

[Snert]

ITALIAN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl . . .'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[wagondriver]

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.


Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.


The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.


He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.


Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.


She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"


Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[flybynite]

Little Tommy and his fifth grade class had to write an essay on what they wanted to be when they grew up and why did they choose their respective professions. This is Tommy's essay:

I want to be a pilot when I grow up, because it is fun and easy to do. Pilots don't need much school...they just have to learn numbers, so they can read instruments. I think they should be able to read maps, so they can find their way...if they get lost. Pilots should be brave, so they won't get scared if it's foggy...and they can't see, or if wing or motor falls off, they should stay calm...so they'll know what to do. Pilots have to have good eyes, so they can see through clouds, and they can’t be afraid of lightning or thunder...because they are closer to them, than we are. Pilots are always rich, they make more money than they can spend. This is because most people think airplane flying is dangerous...except pilots don't, because they know how easy it is. There isn't much I don't like, except...girls like pilots, and all the stewardesses want to marry them...and they always have to chase them away, so they won’t bother them. I hope I don't get airsick, because if I do...I couldn't be a pilot, and would have to go to work.

— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.

[Snert]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give
Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the
bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[skywagon8a]

IN ORDER TO TEACH, ONE MUST FIRST GET THE PUPILS ATTENTION

Lipstick in a Catholic School ...

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...And then there are educators.

[375handh]

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

[SJ]

Saw some comedians last night in Old Saybrook at the "Kate" (Katherine Hepburn theater and museum). One of the best jokes of the night:

Dad drives home in a brand new car. 16 year old freshly minted driver and dad have the following conversation:

Son: Dad, can I take the new car out for a spin?

Dad: Can you take the "F" out of "Way"?

Son: There's no F in Way....

[Iflylower]

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1365211341.960722.jpg

[Roger Peterson]

[Bill Rusk]

[Roger Peterson]

If you are flying in Italy, you might want to know how to tell time there.

http://youtu.be/mHyRCeKxhss

[cubdriver2]

How about around of golf?

http://clipnation.com/ultimate-golf-...ompilation-vid

Glenn

[Cajun Joe]

I got this from Massey a coupla days back and I gotta share it...

New Bull:
We recently flew the Spirit of New Holstein over to Clovis and spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

[NimpoCub]

While in a mall, a guy remembered it was his young daughters BD. He was looking @ Barbie dolls, most of which were $16.95. One was $199, and he asked why? Storekeep said it's a divorced Barbie. It comes with a boat, a car, & a house.

[evroosevelt]

Marine Tact and Navy Sensitivity

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered,
"Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out, as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself,
'What an incredibly tactful Marine'.
"And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied:
"Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear!"

[cubdriver2]

Glenn

[Roger Peterson]

A story "Barely" modified to bolster my self absorbed imagination and ego



Last night I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. So on the way home I stopped at the gas station where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to mine.

She glanced at the ammo in the back of my pickup and said in a very seductive voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, Ole Timer".

"Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked,

"What kinda ammo ya got?"

[Cajun Joe]

It's 8:18 AM in Hammond
and the Castaway Lounge Lot
has almost emptied out ....
almost.

[Dave Roberts]

Roger, How much ammo did you get from the blond?

[Roger Peterson]

I woke up and the dream was over

[Cajun Joe]

Blanks???

[cubdriver2]

Subject:: flyin' and lying

One of the best clips I've ever seen of what a bunch of sneaky, lying
guys the USAF pilots are. This of course, does not exclude our Navy
bros.....................



This story is attributed to former CNO ADM Jim Holloway, USN retired.



"One thing about Air Force pilots is that they lie a lot. You simply

can't trust them at all. We had an argument one night at the Belvedore

Inn, across from the main gate at NAS Pax River. A bunch of our F-14

Tomcat pilots at Strike were arguing with some F-15 Eagle drivers from

Langley about who was better at what and which airplane was better.

Well, we decided to settle it the next morning in the restricted area

over the Chesapeake Bay. This is where we found out how much Air Force

pilots lie!!" "We all agreed to meet nose on at 35,000 and settle it

once and for all. Don't you know those lying, sneaky bastards showed

up at 40,000. God, what a bunch of lying low-lifes those Air Force

types were, showing up with a 5,000-foot altitude advantage. Hell, if

we hadn't been at 45,000, those lying Air Force dirtbags would have

had us for breakfast!"




Glenn

[sburg58]

Charlie was installing a new door and
found that one of the hinges was missing
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,
"How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back,
"No, but I will for the faucet."


This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.