New Joke Thread 3

[Snert]

Flew the Cub today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?



Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.




Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.




On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."




I rest my case.

[Tim]

Rational thinking I would say

[mike mcs repair]

I LOVE it!!!

click for bigger.....
twinkies.jpg

[Roger Peterson]

The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore. Gone to stay with my Mother" He opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........”What the hell is she talking about?

[Clay Hammond]

Four guys have been going to the same flying trip together for many years.
Two days before the group was to leave, Ron’s wife put her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Ron’s buddies were very upset that he couldn’t go, but what could they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and enjoying a cold beer and smoking a cigar.
“Shoot Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well,” Ron said. “I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing sexy lingerie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
“And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’
“So, here I am!”

[Torch]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one from Scotland and one from Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man
said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no.'

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[cubdriver2]

Glenn

[cubdriver2]

I LOVE it!!!

click for bigger.....
twinkies.jpg

Glenn

[Roger Peterson]

A Super Cub pilot walks into a Texas bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No” he replies, “I just got this state of the art watch, and I was just testing it…”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch, What’s so special about it?”
The pilot explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The pilot smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn Thing’s an Hour Fast.”

[Snert]

On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking for the
time.

The tower responded, "Who's calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If this is a commercial
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is a Marine aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If
it is a Navy aircraft it is 6 bells.If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand
is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is an Air Force
aircraft, it's almost Happy Hour.

[DesperadoPilot]

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"........Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?".......Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?" ......... Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering me.

[Snert]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where
he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[55-PA18A]

There was a bit of confusion at Wally World this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[Snert]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered
grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be
acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke...

[N636P]

MISINTERPRETATION...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

[Longwinglover]

Adults only
NUDE SANTA -----











Scroll down to see the nude Santa














*








*









*


For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!

[Snert]

MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
> 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today. '

[Longwinglover]

I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near San Antonio, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.


They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.


However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.


The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.


The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.


When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

[Snert]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of Milk
and if they have Avocados, get 6."



A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of Milk.



The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of Milk?"




He replied, "They had Avocados."



If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!



Men will get it the first time.

[mike mcs repair]

forecast4.jpg

[cubdriver2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50vE4...ature=youtu.be


Glenn

[sburg58]

ZEN TEACHINGS
Please take note of these, Grasshopper.




1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[NimpoCub]

Ha! That reminded me of my (old) collection. Some original, some plagiarized, LONG list...

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who is too ethical to become a minister
User Error: Replace user and press any key to continue
Vegetables are what food eats
1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
$1000 reward (check) . . . for my lost $500 (cash)
...What'sthisbigkeyatthebottomfor?
186,000 miles/sec. 'eh? ... So what's the speed of dark?
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
99% of Lawyers give the rest of 'em a bad name.
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
A nice try *beats* a good intention.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Al's Radiator Shoppe... The best place in town to take a leak!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
An Atheist has no invisible means of support.
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Are birth control pills deductible? ...Only if they don't work.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Be alert... the world *needs* more lerts.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
Best to be quiet & *thought* a fool, than to speak & remove all doubt.
Bumper sticker: Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit, then beat into place.
Catastrophe: Award for the cat with the best buns.
Chaos - panic - disorder ... my work here is done.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
Criticism is inversely proportional to understanding.
Death: Life's way of saying "You can let go of your ankles now".
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Diplomacy is letting someone else have YOUR way.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
EXPERT: One who has made all the mistakes, and *remembers* them.
Feet smell? Nose run? You were built upside down.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation for the purpose of obtaining sex
Forget about World Peace ...visualize using your turn signal!
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
God assigns relatives ...but luckily, lets us pick friends.
Golf scores are directly proportional to # of witnesses.
Good Things come to those who wait, but crap you get right away!
Have you donated your brain to science before you were finished with it?
Help wanted: Short person for mud flap. Must supply own rain gear.
Hey You! Out of the gene pool!
Hmmm, what if there were no hypothetical questions?
Honesty is good policy, but bad for your career.
Honk at me if you like obscene gestures!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I *almost* trained my dog to not eat, but he died.
I can see your point, but I STILL think you're full of crap.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made!
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 2 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
I hear your wheel turning, but I'm afraid the hamster is dead.
I hope you can walk on water, 'cuz your ice is getting pretty thin.
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I WILL stop procrastinating ...someday
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If rabbit feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If your conscience is clear, you have a bad memory.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a butthole.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: no pain, no pain.
I'm NOT useless... I make an excellent bad example.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It's hard to fly with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's OK to BELIEVE in miracles, just don't RELY on them.
It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.
It's sometimes hard to be truthful *AND* considerate.
I've got to be me -- everyone else was already taken.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a dingbat!
Juggler: ...a schizophrenic playing catch with himself
Keep 'your comments sweet, you may have to eat them.
Maybe your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Mom said carrots are good for my eyes, but it hurts when I insert 'em.
My karma ran over your dogma.
My kids don't like 2nd hand smoke ...I don't like 2nd hand hard rock.
My nicotine patch works really well, but it's kinda hard to keep it lit.
My wife ran off with the gardener ...and I miss him.
No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
People who think they're perfect are very annoying to we who really are.
Perhaps you don't HAVE ulcers, but you're an infectious carrier.
Politicians and diapers need changing often for similar reasons.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Short income tax form: 1: Total Income $______ 2: Send it in.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
So many cats, So few recipes.
So, you have kleptomania... take something for it!
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some people will believe anything... if you whisper it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
Sometimes I worry about you (the rest of the time I panic)
Statistics, like bikinis, conceal more of interest than they reveal.
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
Thank you for calling 911... If reporting a murder, press 1... If rep
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
This isn't burger king; you can't have it your way.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me!
Three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
What!! No bugs? Must be time to upgrade again.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? ...To hold cows together!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? ...Ask your mom.
Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? Lawn Boy.
Who do you call for whale circumcisions? ...4skin divers.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is the guy who invests all your money called a "broker"?
You always find something in the *last* place you look.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.
You sound reasonable... it must be time to up my medication.
Your message has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
Going bra-less *MAY* pull the wrinkles out of your face.
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
My wife complains I never listen to her. (or something like that)
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
In America, Anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
My spouse is a travel agent for guilt trips.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Home is where you hang your @.

[Snert]

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."So I said "Come in and sit down."I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats me.... Nobody ever let me in before.”**********

[cubdriver2]

Lineing up early for the inaguration



Glenn

[Cajun Joe]

Bud, the termite, after chipping his teeth on the Super Cub's wingtip bow,
struggled across the ramp into the terminal lounge and asked
"Is the bar tender here?"

[Longwinglover]

A guy asked a girl in an aviation university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study pilot psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study aviation law, and I know how to screw people".

[eaglepilot]

A cowboy (that flys a Supercub) named Mark was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Mark looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Mark.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Mark says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman”, says Mark.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the man, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used thousands of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I am; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ….

Now give me back my dog.

[Bill Rusk]

DONATIONS

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."


Bill

[Snert]

On that note:

Hold still. I'll get it.
flyonshit.jpg

[Snert]

The Leather Dress When a woman wears a leather dress. Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new Truck!

[Roger Peterson]

Have a good laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6mbW-jMtrY&feature=player_detailpage

[tcraft128]

Have a good laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6mbW-jMtrY&feature=player_detailpage

WOW a comedy act without cussing!

[12 Geezer]

MY LIVING WILL:

Last night, my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living
room when I said to them, 'I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer and the TV, and threw out
my beer.

They are SO on my black list ...

(thanks to Bobnall)

[skywagon8a]

ONLY IN TEXAS - WIFE HUNTING DEER

Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of
coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully
dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "Why are you dressed like that?"


Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"


Jake, had many reservations about this, but reluctantly decides to take her
along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of
San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon
as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an
elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he
hears an array of gunshots.


Quickly, Jake starts running back.


As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell
away from my deer!"


Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And
again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by
another volley of gunfire!


Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
Texas game warden with his hands high in the air. The game warden,
obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[Clay Hammond]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and only two people show up.
One is a retired pilot in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last
tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair,
whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and
the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway
there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful nude body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like
that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[skywagon8a]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

[Tim]

Clay, that's the funniest thing I'v heard in a long time

[Clay Hammond]

yeah, that's a QB joke if I ever heard one....

[Snert]

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