View Full Version : Electric fence

07-26-2009, 03:23 PM
if you have ever use an electric fence you should read this
The language used is a bit smutty and/or course, but 'he tells it like it is' with out cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true.* This was sent by a retired dentist.

*We have the standard 6** ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing* dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on
fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I
could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with
my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where
the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


mike mcs repair
07-26-2009, 07:22 PM
I have tears rolling I laughed so hard.... good one...

07-27-2009, 12:07 AM

07-27-2009, 12:09 AM
guess I jump ship on that last post....


07-27-2009, 01:16 AM
Totally hilarious. Thanks, I lmao:)


07-27-2009, 06:25 AM
When we were kids, I got my brother to pee on the wire for Snickers bar.

07-27-2009, 07:41 AM
I've got a couple of fencers I have to check(don't want the cows to get out) and what I do is get a green blade of grass and lay it on the wire a few inches from my fingers. As I slide it closer to my fingers and it starts pulsing, you know you don't want to touch the wire. :D

07-27-2009, 08:58 AM
Evan that is hilarious.Can't stop laughing because I too have had the electric fence experience.


leon tallman
07-27-2009, 08:58 AM
yep I think they call that the bundy effect

07-27-2009, 04:45 PM
Can not resist... When Ted was about to meet his maker there were several people carrying signs outside of the prison the morning before the sentence was to be carried out. Two signs that made an impression on me and and I will never forget ; " Roses are red violets are blue...good morning Ted...we are going to kill you! The other was ( keep in mind that the execution was carried out on Tuesday)..."Tuesday is fryday"... I know,I know,But I could not resist...


yep I think they call that the bundy effect

07-28-2009, 11:00 PM
i think i just gave myself a hernia laughing. it hurts, but im gonna read that again....

leon tallman
08-01-2009, 12:37 PM
so do you need an electrician to get the shorts out of your fanny