New Joke Thread

[Snert]

I see the old thread got moved to R&R so here is a new one.


Subject: FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[S2D]

I see the old thread got moved to R&R so here is a new one.

Steve is just getting sensitive now that election time is near and his favorite lady is on the comeback 8)

[behindpropellers]

ooops...

Guess I could delete my Hillary joke if we can get it moved out of R+R.... :oops:

[willyb]

I liked it.Don't want to know my opinion on that pair it's not fit for print.
Bill

[SimonK]

Not sure if this one's been posted in the other thread:


Q: How can you identify a cub driver in a crowded bar?

A: Don't worry, he'll tell you.

[Cubdude]

Not sure if this one's been posted in the other thread:


Q: How can you identify a cub driver in a crowded bar?

A: Don't worry, he'll tell you.

I've found that to be true of most pilots, especially military pilots.

[Brian Fox]

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[Brian Fox]

Dining Out
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'



Well, he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[KelvinG]

How about the Cajun that was driving by a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Lobster Tail & Beer” and thought to himself “Dang, the three things I enjoy most in life”.

[Coyote Ugly]

A&P mechanic calls his boss and says "I've got a headache and a stomach ache and can't come to work today". Boss says "You know being the boss, I don't have that luxury, and I really need you today... You know, when I have a headache and don't feel good, I tell my wife I need sex, and after that I feel good and go to work... Why don't you try that???" The A&P says "O.K." Later he shows up to work and says "You know boss I took your advise and it worked perfectly, I feel great and am ready for work.... by the way, you have a nice house".

[Cajun Joe]

POLITICS

http://www.supercub.org/photopost/data/500/US_Politics.jpg

[Clyde and Susan]

Hello Steve...
I tried to go to R & R because I wanted to read the Hillery joke and I got this, "Sorry, but only users granted special access can read topics in this forum. ". Why don't I have access? What must I do? I am over 21, in fact I'll be 74 on the last day of this month. ...Clyde


:onfire:

[Longwinglover]

Clyde,

Maybe you're TOO old?!? :crazyeyes:

John Scott

[Clyde and Susan]

That could be, John! ...Clyde

[behindpropellers]

Hello Steve...
I tried to go to R & R because I wanted to read the Hillery joke and I got this, "Sorry, but only users granted special access can read topics in this forum. ". Why don't I have access? What must I do? I am over 21, in fact I'll be 74 on the last day of this month. ...Clyde


:onfire:

Maybe ill just post it on here....hahahah

[benflyn]

Grandma Goes to Court –

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”



She responded, ”Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died of embarrassment.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either one of you dimwits asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

[Cajun Joe]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted
Wilbur standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' Wilbur replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

Wilbur said, 'B J Titsenbeer'


(After reflecting on this story I realize that I tipped my hand
and showed it was fiction by stating that Wilbur was
"standing alone". I mean, when has that ever happened?)

[OldCuby]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

Bartender, 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird ****.'
Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[d dyre]

A woman went to a fortune teller to see what the future held. The seer said, " Your husband will die a violent death." The woman replied, "will I be acquitted?"

[feelin'_the_heat]

Now that food has nearly replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.





How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?





I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!





The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.






The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a
good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience
all three at the same time.

[S2D]

(After reflecting on this story I realize that I tipped my hand
and showed it was fiction by stating that Wilbur was
"standing alone". I mean, when has that ever happened?)

No you tipped your hand when you said he was still standing :drinking:

[feelin'_the_heat]

Women Drivers!!

This morning on my commute to work, I looked over and there
was a WOMAN.


In a brand new Shelby 500 GT, going 65mph, with her face pressed
up to the rear view mirror.
Putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back-
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;


I DROPPED MY ELECTRIC SHAVER!!


Which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, while steering it
with my knees, it knocked my cellphone away from my ear.


Which feel into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned
BIG JIM and the TWINS.






:morning:




Ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an
important phone call.

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!

[NimpoCub]

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[DW]

I think I'll become a Canadian EH?!

[WWhunter]

> The Redneck's Dog
>
> One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under
> the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
>
> Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns
> the dog tied under that tree outside?"
>
> The redneck said it was his.
>
> "Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
>
> The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
> shade tree."
>
> The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
> bred."
>
> "No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't
> hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."
>
> The exasperated policeman sa id, "NO! You don't understand; your dog
> wants to have sex!"
>
> (You gotta love this)
>
> The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted
> a police dog."

[Snert]

>DOG DIARY

>

>8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

>

>9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

>

>9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

>

>10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

>

>12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

>

>1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

>

>3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

>

>5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

>

>7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

>

>8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

>

>11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

>



>

>CAT DIARY

>

>Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre

>little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the

>other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

>

>Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I

>nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

>

>The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt

>to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated

>a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this

>would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I
am capable of.

>However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good

>little hunter' I am. Bastards!

>

>There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

>placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,

>I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

>confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this

>means, and how to use it to my advantage.

>

>This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one

>of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must

>try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced

>that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

>

>The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and

>seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

>

>The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the

>guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My

>captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he
is safe.

>

>For now...

>

>Cat

[12 Geezer]

The Helicopter Ride:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might not ever get a chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I will not charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said," By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

[Steve's Aircraft (Brian)]

Airplane Monkey's


A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local AF base walked in and said to the shopkeeper 'I'll take a 6114 monkey, please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer, saying, 'That'll be $2,000, please.' The officer paid and left with the monkey.

The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?'

The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Air Force Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of any enlisted man with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money'.

The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' he asked.

'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper. 'That's a'Maintenance Supervisor' monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed'.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag was $50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?'

'Actually,' said the shopkeeper, ' I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play himself, but his papers say he's a pilot.'

[Floatin_around]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively-
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned
over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

[Steve Pierce]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with
two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for
its
fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to
catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of
them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet
fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down
to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they
jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em
home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck
looked at the warden for a momen t and then said, 'It's the
truth Mr.
Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden.
'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and
stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says,
'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When
are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH',
replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the
redneck.
....

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city
slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can
say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and
moving north.

[cubdrvr]

Betcha don't know why all attorneys all wear ties?

Keeps the foreskin from slidin' up over their heads........ :lol:

[jaypratt]

Steve,

Priceless.

Jay

[Steve Pierce]

Good one Dave.

Thanks Jay. Cathy sent me that one.

[Snert]

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose
from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do
battle. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of
this fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out
over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the horde of over
7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim,
are we having some landscaping done today?"

[NimpoCub]

While in China, an American bloke is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you --you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The bloke says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two months. Faw off by itself ..

[ag-pilot]

A Blond and a brunette are riding up in a elevator, the elevator stops and a great looking guy steps on. for the next dozen or so floors both ladies admire him. The elevator stops and the guy gets off, the brunette turns to the blond after the door had closed and says "that guy was way Hot but someone needs to give him some head and shoulders for his dandruff! The blond gets a puzzled look on her face and asks......How do you give SHOULDER???????

Dave

[CarlM]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

[Dough Head]

Tarzan
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said,
pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[NimpoCub]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
Years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't Complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[Snert]

Subject: PREACHER'S SON

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey

4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself." When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

"He's gonna run for Congress."

[Tim]

Ain't that the truth

[Snert]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

[Dough Head]

Guts or Balls... defined
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an
effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[Dough Head]

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, "Naaahhh...."

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought..........****, I could win this thing!!!

[Jerry Gaston]

The Urinal Is Too High!

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct
the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the
4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

[Jerry Gaston]

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful young Jewish girl from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over ?'

[benflyn]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5


+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00


+ Fried Explorer: $15.00


+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why
such a price difference for the Politician?'


The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ****, it takes all day.

[Dough Head]

The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I
had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),
we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes
at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife
and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'
The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love,
and she screamed for over six hours!'

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked,
'What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for six hours?'
The Italian man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread

[Steve Pierce]

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in 10 years if I don't start driving a Prius.