Rodney Dangerfield Classics

My parents hated me so much my first bath toy was an electric toaster.

When I was born. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...”I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"

Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we'll ever find them?” He said. “I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. “On your mark..."

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in for screens"

(Scene from a movie where he was talking to his wife.) Here's a picture of you and Guido on the couch, here's a picture of you and Guido on the billiard table, here's you and Guido out by the swimming pool, HEY! What's with the midget?

"Yeah, my wife, she's no prize.....at my house we pray AFTER we eat!"

"...And my daughter.......the football team retired HER jersey!"