View Full Version : Airline humor......

03-03-2004, 11:13 AM

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You
should see the back of mine!"

03-03-2004, 11:19 AM
I flew SW to Seattle on my recent trip and the flight attendant used many of these lines in her little soliloquies. I had not heard it for a long time (since 911) and I was glad to hear it again.

We had quite a long taxi upon arrival at Seattle. The young lady said "The reason SouthWest is so cheap is that we fly you part of the way, and drive you the rest to save money"

She also sang "We'll be comin' through the cabin one more time" for us.

It was a real fun flight.


03-03-2004, 11:55 AM
You gotta love SW Airlines...Your right they do use alot of those phrases and it makes for an entertaining flight.

Quite a few years back I was on an early moring SW flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Tampa and there was more crew than passengers on the plane 4 passengers, the Boarding announcement was something like "Were are going to commence boarding the first Group of Passengers....OH wait theres only 4 of you Jump on board and pick your favorite section of the plane...and you'll have a Flight attendent to yourself...After that we picked up 12 more people in tampa to go to Jacksonville...
I also did a Non-Stop from Miami Or Ft.laud To Seattle For about 3 hours of the flight the whole plane played a version of Trivial Persuit using the call buttons and the winner of each round won a Bag of SW Peanuts...Entertaining and made the time fly by...

03-03-2004, 02:06 PM
A friend of mine was on a flight that was delayed getting off the ground. The Pilot came on the PA and said
"Sorry about the delay folks. the machine that automatically rips all the handles off the baggage has broken down and we have to do them all by hand."

Bill Rusk
03-03-2004, 05:40 PM
What do you call a pregnant Flight Attendant? Pilot error.

What is the difference between a pilot and a canoe? A canoe can tip.

What does a pilot use for a contraceptive? His personality.

How can you tell a flight Attendant at a party? She is the one eating over the trash can. How can you tell who the pilot is? Oh, don't worry, he'll tell you.

What is the difference between God and a pilot? God doesn't think he is a pilot.

If you don't like our inflight entertainment, we invite you to step out on the wing for our movie... Gone with the Wind.

Most common questions for the various carriers from ATC

American... I've called three times....LISTEN UP!!
United.....I haven't got time to argue with you!!
Delta.... Where are you going?
Continental....Do you want us to roll the fire trucks?
Southwest....Can you get down from there? ( My personal favorite response....You are kinda new here, hugh?)


03-22-2006, 01:28 PM
It was a typically intense early August evening with BIG mutha' TRWs blocking two of the arrival routes into ORD.

Back in the 70's there weren't quite so many female controllers yet and absolutely much less political correctness....(sigh, the GOOD Ol' Days)...

The stress had been intense for a prolonged period as pilots and controllers both fought the weather and each other for a safe piece of airspace to call their own.

To add to the frustration, the female controllers transmissions, when not being stepped on by others, were often garbled or unreadable in static.

After three successive failed attempts to transmit instructions to one flight and being told twice that her transmissions we're garbled; she asks yet another airliner in a somewhat exasperated tone....

"Intercontinental seven-seventeen....is my transmission fuzzy???"

To which this grizzled obviously pushing mandatory retirement sounding voice responded... "We-e-ell. Ah don't rightly know darlin'. Jes' how old ARE ya'?"" :wink:

Laughter ensued. Stress relieved..at least momentarilty.

03-22-2006, 04:16 PM
What is the difference between an airline pilot and a jet engine?
The jet engine quits whining when it gets to the gate.